Monday, October 22, 2012

Summoning The Demon Bechamel


Let it be known on this day, that there exists no more fearsome spirit than the Demon Bechamel. For this Demon does not enter your domain in the usual fashion, such as rock and roll music, short skirts, or people you disagree with. Rather, he sneaks in at your most vulnerable moment, that moment where the core of your being is demanding nourishment. He slips between your lips, glides over your tongue and ensconces his infernal presence not only in your entrails, but in your arteries, his fatty leavings slowly choking your blood within it's vessels. Hear me now, dear reader, and hear me clearly. The Demon Bechamel, if over-summoned, WILL lead to your earthly demise. He will force his way into every life giving vessel and chamber and seize your heart for his own. Be warned!

To summon the Demon Bechamel, you must first gather about yourself the tools of the Art.

- The churned cream of a bovine beast
- Grains of wheat, ground into a fine powder
- The milk of a bovine beast, or, if you dare, a mixture of bovine milk and cream of equal proportion
- A stainless steel saucepan, suitably consecrated in your preferred manner
- A Wand of Incorporation, common name :Whisk

  There are three different levels of summoning for this Demon, though in each, the fatty churned cream and wheat powder must be in equal proportions. One tablespoon of each  shall result in a lighter summoning. In truth this is Bechamel's most insidious form, as He feels so light one may over-invoke him into one's being without giving it a second thought. Two tablespoon of each and Bechamel's infernal presence becomes more apparent. With simple disguises like browned pig flesh or perhaps an aged bovine product such as cheddar, He insinuates himself in every home. A common sign of his presence is the low hum of "mmmm" and satisfied grunts of digestive pleasure. And for those times when you need to have a definitive sign of the unholy, three tablespoons of each should produce such rich and sinful effects that you may indeed need a triple bypass just for gazing upon his deliciously evil visage.

The summoning of Bechamel is, in fact, a rather simplistic ritual, easily done by even the most novice of magicians. Allow me to list for you the processes and incantations

- Place your Saucepan of Summoning upon the burner, and light the eternal flames of torment on medium-low.

- Within the pan, show your dominance over the churned bovine cream by forcing it into a liquid state.

  "Hail Bechamel, Giver of the Cardiologist's Salary!"

- Once a liquid state has been obtained, add in your wheat powder (equal proportions, depending on    the degree of summoning you wish), with a flourish and stir vigorously with the Wand of Incorporation.

- The churned cream and wheat powder will undergo a secret alchemical process and become as one, who is now called Roux.

"Hail Roux, Binder of Sauces!"

- Slowly add the bovine milk, continuing your vigorous application of the Wand of Incorporation. Allow for the Roux to be absorbed completely. Roux is a troublesome spirit, and the lumps of his misfortune must be beaten out with the Wand.

- When the mixture is at the desired consistency for your purposes, allow it to come to a simmer. Simmering destroys the raw flavors of wheat powder that Roux will cause if not slowly tortured with heat.

"Hail Bechamel! He who hath come forth from Roux, I command thee to do my bidding!"

- If the summoning seems too strong, your mixture may be quite thick. The judicious use of additional bovine milk shall rectify that easily.

Above all, remember that the Demon Bechamel thrives on decoration and enhancements. Popular additions to the ritual include:

- Pig flesh. When browned in a Skillet Of Art, may produce enough of it's porcine fat to replace the butter in the creation of the Roux. This is perhaps the most deadly incarnation of Bechamel to date.
- Cheese, of all sorts, can be melted into Bechamel at the end of the ritual.
- Onions, garlic, peppers- they may all be put to the flames till golden and soft  in the liquid butter prior to the addition of the wheat powder.

These are just a few changes one can make. Remember, when practicing these sacred arts, experimentation is the key to a successful summoning.

May the Darkness Of Nom fall upon thee!